Thankful......

I'm thankful for so many things right now......

1. Jason is out golfing today. I'm so thankful for that because he loves it and because I get to have some much needed alone/relaxing time!

2. I'm thankful of course for the baby that is being knit together in God's perfect ways in Mandi's belly right now (as I posted yesterday).

3. I'm thankful that God has answered our prayers and got Trevor and Tannis a date for their kidney transplant!!!! Yay second chance at life and marriage for the Gillis'!

4. Lastly, I'm thankful that my husband and I have been blessed beyond. We are currently planning a trip to Walt Disney World in Florida (yes we're a little obsessed) for spring and we can't wait. This will be the first time that we get to go on a vacation together, just the two of us since our honeymoon over three years ago. YAY!!!! So my relaxing day has been spent diving into all the fun and exciting things on the WDW website and planning our 8 days that we're there. Yes this is actually relaxing for me. How sick is that? We paid the deposit and booked the trip on Tuesday and I was so busy at work all week that I just couldn't wait until today to start planning. Anyways, I'm rambling!

I'm SO THANKFUL for all of these great things that are happening in our lives and in the lives to those closest to us!

How about all of you? What thing or things do you find yourself particularly thankful for today?

Hooray....

So I have this special person in my life who I just don't mention enough. My best friend is so wonderful to me and I'm so thankful that she's in my life! In fact last Wednesday night in my workbook (my answers are mostly from the previous year) we had to write things that we need in our life that we currently don't have that will help us on our journey. One thing that I wrote last year was that I wish I had someone who would check in with me once in awhile through emails because I don't always have the time for sit downs and phone calls. I called her on my way home to thank her because I was able to cross that of my list of wishes that night and add it to my list of things I have. She's such a blessing and has helped me work on my fear of friendship intimacy with woman in an unbelievable way. I lost my trust and "need" for women in my life a long time ago when I was eight because my first abuser was a female that I trusted and she certainly took advantage of that. She's slowly softening my heart, although sometimes I want to run the other way kicking and screaming.

I've held a secret of my best friend's in for two months now. Although two months does not seem like a long time it has felt like an eternity because ever since I got that exciting phone call on August 27th all I've wanted to do is tell everyone my excitement! She has now told people so I'm free to speak.....

MANDI AND GREG ARE PREGNANT!!!!!

I'm so thrilled for this. I can't wait to meet this special baby that I've been praying so hard for! In fact this baby isn't even here yet and has already taught me so much. I'm so thankful for this special blessing in her tummy.

So until May 8th (or perhaps another date around that) you will remain a mystery little one. However I cannot wait to hold you and tell you just how happy your mommy and daddy are to have you and just how much God has blessed your life and all of us who get to love you!

Verification....

Every Wednesday night now it's time for me to do what I love and that's co-leading a New Hope support group. I'm doing sex abuse again this year (I may have already said this but I can't remember and clearly I'm too lazy to go back and read previous posts). Last night in our discussions we realized just how far each one of us has come.

I know I've certainly been hard on myself this past bit. I thank all of you for not only your comments, but also your emails, calls, chats, etc. I really needed it and you've all recognized that and I thank you for taking the time to contact me in the way that you did.

In group last night there was an exercise where we had to put a star beside things that we feel like we're already past and a check mark by the things that we're still working on or struggling with. Well I had A LOT of stars and it was interesting for me to sit back and look at this. However with that I certainly had some check marks.

I also had a moment last night where I finally got it. The road to recover for a sex abuse victim such as myself can be very loooonnnnngggggg. I've begun to realize that because I've had multiple abusers I'm going to need to take all of the necessary steps with each abuser. So for example just because I've let go of the shame of one incident does not mean that I still will not be full of shame due to sex abuse at another point in my life when I remember something else. Now some of you are probably sitting here thinking....ah ya duh? If so, that's awesome that you're already there. I'm guessing though for some of you you're getting it and if not that's fine too because we're all at different places and I'm reminded of that every day!

So if I expand this thought to other areas of my life outside of sex abuse then it's no wonder I'm feeling bogged down yet again. Just because I've worked on one incident from my parents divorce for example and I've forgiven my parents, does not mean that I will not need to head down that road of forgiveness again with them when I remember something else. Or just because I'm comfortable talking with my pastor and telling him that I can't take on another thing in the church does not mean that I'm comfortable with the other leaders when one asks me to do something.

Anyways, just thought I'd share my light bulb moment. It was an important part of my journey at this point in time to see the verification, God's verification, on the page in front of me!

On the mend....

I thought that I should probably give everyone an update since my last two posts seemed a little negative. I spent three days last week on the sofa because I was too sick to go to work. This was very hard for me since I feel like I've got one million things to do. However it was also a very good way to force me to relax. Funny how things like that work out huh?

Some encouraging things that are taking place right now that are lightening my stress load:

1. There are loads of changes going on at church. This is encouraging to me because I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be able to slide out of some of my current roles and focus on the ones that I feel like I'm being called to.

2. The support group that I co-lead is running again. I always enjoy this because it helps me on my own journey and I love watching others grow as well. It's also good for accountability and a safe place to be honest with others who get it.

3. I just spent the last three hours typing out a letter that I will mail tomorrow. It's time for me to be honest with someone in my life and this became evident in my last counselling session. So as brutal as it was typing the letter I now feel a lot better.

4. I'm feeling better health wise..... yay!

5. My ever patient husband who loves me unlike anyone else and is here for me no matter what mood I'm in :)

6. I'm feeling His presence more and more again....finally!

Ah the long road....

After my last post I had a lot of people giving me those important words of affirmation (definitely my supporting love language) that I feel like sometimes lack in my life. Again not that I do things for recognition by any means, but sometimes it's nice to hear those "hey we really appreciate you and all you do and it doesn't go unnoticed". Thank you to all who did this, I greatly appreciated them.

So I'm at a weird point in my journey right now (some of you may have noticed this with the oddness of my last post). It's normal for me to be cranky or frustrated with where I'm at. Especially, since those emotions are way easier for me to show than sadness or hurt. However at this point in time I find myself being extremely frustrated.

Here's the deal.....been going to counselling at least once a month (usually more) for over three years now. THREE YEARS!!! That's a lot of time, money and crap to deal with. I get it I have had a lot of pain in my life and because I'm a stuffer I've never dealt with any of it. However I find myself asking how much longer until I become "normal". Then I hear this quiet gentle whisper that has the perfect way of bringing me back to reality asking me just what exactly I think "normal" is.

See I'm good at comparing myself to others. I know I know I shouldn't do this, but I do. So I currently find myself comparing my slow and lengthy recovering process to others processes who seem much more short and easy. Again, I know that this has disaster written all over it. So when I see others who are able to go for counselling once in a while. Or they go for a few times and then don't feel the need to go back. It makes me question what the heck I'm doing wrong or the good old...just why exactly am I so crazy :)

My current frustration... I'm feeling like I'm taking steps backwards and not forward. I didn't keep on top of the healthy boundaries that I once learn how to set. I didn't remind myself that I've been a people pleasing co-dependent all my life so if I'm not careful I will revert back. It's frustrating to me that I now find myself so bogged down because why? Because I can't so no. If I don't do it who will? I know again another recipe for disaster.

So here's to getting my life back to some state of "normal", admitting that I've taken on too much yet again, and swallowing my discomfort as I tell those that need to hear it.....take 10.

Something has to give right?

So I will admit (no shocker to you all) that I've not been posting lately. I just don't have the time, ambition, will... you name it and it can probably fit in this phrase. I don't know. I guess I just begin to feel like this is a waste of time. Also quite honestly sometimes I feel like it's pointless. However at least one of you has been missing my crazy rants. So I guess maybe I should change this to a rant of the week blog. That may fit more easily into my psycho schedule.

Lots has been going on in my life. At least it feels that way. If I try to sit down and write about them all I honestly am not sure where the time has flown by in these past couple of months.

Villages is full steam ahead right now. That's always an adjustment in my life. I go from working about 20 hours a week to anywhere from 30-50 hours a week. However what makes that so difficult are my insane volunteer hours that I choose (don't get me wrong, I fully love the organizations and such that I choose to volunteer my time at). So my usually 10-20 volunteer hours each week remain the same even though my Villages hours increase.

So mostly during this time of my life I find myself focusing on the idea that "something has gotta give" in my head. However I need to begin to do more than just daydream and hope in my mind. I need to verbalize that to same others because patterns in this girl's life shows that if she doesn't say anything for a really long time it's not good when she blows.

There hopefully that will feed some of your needs for a rant for a bit. I'll try to update I really will. Maybe I should delete my facebook account and that will help :)