Ah the long road....
After my last post I had a lot of people giving me those important words of affirmation (definitely my supporting love language) that I feel like sometimes lack in my life. Again not that I do things for recognition by any means, but sometimes it's nice to hear those "hey we really appreciate you and all you do and it doesn't go unnoticed". Thank you to all who did this, I greatly appreciated them.
So I'm at a weird point in my journey right now (some of you may have noticed this with the oddness of my last post). It's normal for me to be cranky or frustrated with where I'm at. Especially, since those emotions are way easier for me to show than sadness or hurt. However at this point in time I find myself being extremely frustrated.
Here's the deal.....been going to counselling at least once a month (usually more) for over three years now. THREE YEARS!!! That's a lot of time, money and crap to deal with. I get it I have had a lot of pain in my life and because I'm a stuffer I've never dealt with any of it. However I find myself asking how much longer until I become "normal". Then I hear this quiet gentle whisper that has the perfect way of bringing me back to reality asking me just what exactly I think "normal" is.
See I'm good at comparing myself to others. I know I know I shouldn't do this, but I do. So I currently find myself comparing my slow and lengthy recovering process to others processes who seem much more short and easy. Again, I know that this has disaster written all over it. So when I see others who are able to go for counselling once in a while. Or they go for a few times and then don't feel the need to go back. It makes me question what the heck I'm doing wrong or the good old...just why exactly am I so crazy :)
My current frustration... I'm feeling like I'm taking steps backwards and not forward. I didn't keep on top of the healthy boundaries that I once learn how to set. I didn't remind myself that I've been a people pleasing co-dependent all my life so if I'm not careful I will revert back. It's frustrating to me that I now find myself so bogged down because why? Because I can't so no. If I don't do it who will? I know again another recipe for disaster.
So here's to getting my life back to some state of "normal", admitting that I've taken on too much yet again, and swallowing my discomfort as I tell those that need to hear it.....take 10.
Labels: ramblings
posted by Erin @ 1:17 PM
5 Comments:
hey erin, i'm glad you're back. it's amazing to see how much you've changed since i've known you, don't give up!
Erin, life is always a process. You're going to come out of this ...you're already on your way. If it helps any...I'm pretty messed up and I don't even have all the crap you have :0)I think if you could just for a moment remember how things REALLY used to be you'd be proud of yourself. Thinking of you guys. ML
I think you're helping yourself more than you know. While talking tonite, I couldn't help but notice that you and I are similar in that respect; withdraw, deal with stuff alone and mask it all with a big smile and a really cheesy attempt at humor. It was Scott (and by extension, God) who made me see that real strength is when I let myself be vulnerable to other people.
I didn't really know you well before I left for Asia. But I see so much to admire in the person I've been getting to know since I've been back. Your honesty and willingness to push yourself out of your comfort zone are hugely, hugely inspiring. And I'm not just saying that cuz you like words of affirmation, in case you were wondering :P
What? Are there support group meetings?
Woah...thanks for all the comments everyone!
Rachel- thanks for the kind words.. good to be reminded how much I've changed because I don't always see that! Also won't be giving up although I sure feel like it sometimes :)
ML- Awww thanks, you're a doll! I think I need a good restful and fun weekend in PEI. WHat do you think :) we could be messed up together just like old times..ha ha ha
Sandra- Wow, thanks friend! I didn't realize that we were so much alike but it sounds just like me :) Well here's to learning lots of new ways of dealing with things from each other. How does that sound?
Anonymous- not sure what you're asking... are you wonder if I'm leading a group again this year? Or are you wondering if there are New Hope groups taking place again? I didn't realize that I had mentioned this in my post. Anyways the answer to both of those questions is yes. Some started last week and some start this week. If you're interested...whoever you are... it might not be too late. Perhaps send me an email....
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