Ah the long road....

After my last post I had a lot of people giving me those important words of affirmation (definitely my supporting love language) that I feel like sometimes lack in my life. Again not that I do things for recognition by any means, but sometimes it's nice to hear those "hey we really appreciate you and all you do and it doesn't go unnoticed". Thank you to all who did this, I greatly appreciated them.

So I'm at a weird point in my journey right now (some of you may have noticed this with the oddness of my last post). It's normal for me to be cranky or frustrated with where I'm at. Especially, since those emotions are way easier for me to show than sadness or hurt. However at this point in time I find myself being extremely frustrated.

Here's the deal.....been going to counselling at least once a month (usually more) for over three years now. THREE YEARS!!! That's a lot of time, money and crap to deal with. I get it I have had a lot of pain in my life and because I'm a stuffer I've never dealt with any of it. However I find myself asking how much longer until I become "normal". Then I hear this quiet gentle whisper that has the perfect way of bringing me back to reality asking me just what exactly I think "normal" is.

See I'm good at comparing myself to others. I know I know I shouldn't do this, but I do. So I currently find myself comparing my slow and lengthy recovering process to others processes who seem much more short and easy. Again, I know that this has disaster written all over it. So when I see others who are able to go for counselling once in a while. Or they go for a few times and then don't feel the need to go back. It makes me question what the heck I'm doing wrong or the good old...just why exactly am I so crazy :)

My current frustration... I'm feeling like I'm taking steps backwards and not forward. I didn't keep on top of the healthy boundaries that I once learn how to set. I didn't remind myself that I've been a people pleasing co-dependent all my life so if I'm not careful I will revert back. It's frustrating to me that I now find myself so bogged down because why? Because I can't so no. If I don't do it who will? I know again another recipe for disaster.

So here's to getting my life back to some state of "normal", admitting that I've taken on too much yet again, and swallowing my discomfort as I tell those that need to hear it.....take 10.

Something has to give right?

So I will admit (no shocker to you all) that I've not been posting lately. I just don't have the time, ambition, will... you name it and it can probably fit in this phrase. I don't know. I guess I just begin to feel like this is a waste of time. Also quite honestly sometimes I feel like it's pointless. However at least one of you has been missing my crazy rants. So I guess maybe I should change this to a rant of the week blog. That may fit more easily into my psycho schedule.

Lots has been going on in my life. At least it feels that way. If I try to sit down and write about them all I honestly am not sure where the time has flown by in these past couple of months.

Villages is full steam ahead right now. That's always an adjustment in my life. I go from working about 20 hours a week to anywhere from 30-50 hours a week. However what makes that so difficult are my insane volunteer hours that I choose (don't get me wrong, I fully love the organizations and such that I choose to volunteer my time at). So my usually 10-20 volunteer hours each week remain the same even though my Villages hours increase.

So mostly during this time of my life I find myself focusing on the idea that "something has gotta give" in my head. However I need to begin to do more than just daydream and hope in my mind. I need to verbalize that to same others because patterns in this girl's life shows that if she doesn't say anything for a really long time it's not good when she blows.

There hopefully that will feed some of your needs for a rant for a bit. I'll try to update I really will. Maybe I should delete my facebook account and that will help :)

Baker/cooker extraordinaire....

I realized today that I love cooking and baking. I mean I think I knew this before, however today I realized how much I enjoy it. It amazes me how quickly time slips by when I'm doing this. Also it's amazing to me how organized and efficient I am working by myself. Mind you when someone calls or when Jason gets home look out because I don't shut up after being alone all day.

Anyways today for our (my mom, sister and grandparents) yummy supper I made hamburgers (yummiest recipe ever, always a big hit), potato salad (again a new recipe from my head that I whipped up and everyone seemed to like), spinach salad, maple ginger baked beans, and a chocolate cake with lots and lots of chocolate icing. It was my sister's birthday and she requested extra icing so I had to do it.

(like the candle? that's called improvising when you forgot to get birthday candles)

Just when this wasn't enough I made chocolate chip cookies and a marinade for tomorrow night when we have people over again. I usually don't like having people over but when my place is clean (which it is cause I took care of that on Thursday) and I've got some yummy goodies for them to load up on it's fun. I think I just suck at the whole hospitality thing. However Jason seems to pick up where I lack in that area so maybe I'm just making a bigger deal of it then I should.

Anyways, everything is all cleaned up now and it's time for me to relax. Here's some more pics that my sister took tonight......

my mom and Grammiemy grandfather, who we call Pampie

Jason was very excited about his cake, poor guy I need to bake for him more often

okay okay you caught me, I'm just as obsessed with Kitty as she is with me....actually maybe even more so :) she loves rubbing her head all over my face when I pick her up

Checking in.....

I think I've been a little busy this summer with the randomness of my posting! I've got the next three days off of work. However today is jammed with multiple errands (I know I know I need to get going here seeing as how it's almost 10:00), tomorrow is major cleaning day in this house (I love the cats but man can they make a mess), then Friday I'm celebrating my sister's birthday by having her and the rest of my fam over for a BBQ. So I will enjoy Friday because I'll be cooking and baking all day.

Something has been bugging me. There is someone who has left an anonymous comment on my blog and I've got no idea who. So Mr/Mrs anonymous commenter....perhaps you could reveal yourself or at least give me some more hints! I'm so not good with this type of stuff. Patience is not one of my giftings!

As for God and I......I don't know. I'm really having self esteem issues...this has been an ongoing thing in my life. I'm just admitting it now though. I may have already written about this I can't remember. I'm trying though.....God keeps pulling me to Psalm 139. You know the one about knitting you together in your mother's womb. Some days I'm like "aw God you do love me and I am wonderfully made" other days I'm like "wow what were you thinking God knitting me together in this way, could you not have planned for me to be a little less _______ "(insert whatever I'm not impressed with that day). It's a lovely battle! It will be one that I overcome eventually. It's nuts that this has been more of a struggle for me than my sex abuse. However I know some of this is a direct cause of being sexually abused so I'm still on that journey as well. Oh the ramblings that are occurring on this page right now :) Can't wait to head back to counselling next week. I think I'm in need for another dose of reality!

Until then I will continue to fill my spare minutes daydreaming of our next vacation. The Constable family has decided that we are off to Disney World in May. That's right, out of all the places Jason and I want to go before we do the kid thing Disney World would be top on our list (at least we agree). Yes, I've already been there lots in life. However I've never done the Disney vacation where they pick you up from the airport and you're on only Disney property the whole time. We really wanted that experience of staying in their hotels (the value ones of course...hee hee hee), eating on their meal plan (again the value one) and of course hitting up all 4 parks and 2 water parks. Oh I can't wait to see the big kid I live with in that place. It was so magical going to Disneyland with Jason that I can't even begin to explain how excited I get thinking about Disney World because it's way bigger and better. Anyways, I need to stop the random ramblings for the day, especially this one or I'm going to be off looking up more info on disney vacations and I need to get going.

Hope you all are having a great summer.......

Summer cooking.....

Had a great time at the concert. It only rained for a few sporadic minutes so we were very thankful for that. We ended up on the hill in the beer garden. It was quite interesting by the end of the night. Lets just say that I think my high from second hand smoke of all sorts is just starting to ware off now. All in all though it was a great concert with great company. If I ever get the pictures from Mandi I'll post some (hint hint Mandi). Next we're off to Aerosmith July 21st. Anyone want to buy my ticket? (just kidding) I wanted to go to Nickleback and Jason wants to go to Aerosmith so it's a good compromise I guess.

I'm just having a good day and I'm really excited about supper so I decided to talk about that. Man I love food :) I really really like summer because there's no pressure to slave away in the kitchen all day making hot and delicious meals. Jason and I are satisfied with cold salads and meat on the BBQ. So tonight I've just made a big pasta salad and potato salad. I've also taken some pork chops out of the freezer for Mr. Constable to throw on the BBQ. Life is good! Had a great session yesterday with my counsellor and get to hang out with my husband tonight...YAY!