What I'm learning....

I wanted to write a little bit about this long journey that I'm on. For a long time now people have been telling me that I'm a workaholic (meaning that I'm addicted to work). It frustrated me because I thought "no I'm not", like every other person who is addicted to something says. However unlike drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. the hardest thing about this addiction is it's acceptable. Nobody is going to think less of you if you're doing lots of things, always taking on tasks, and always saying yes. In fact I've found the opposite to be true. More people rely on you, call you to do things, make comments like "wow you're so organized". In a twisted way these things all made me feel better about myself. So after the constant chest pains, being so tired that I was having a hard time getting up to go to work, and then the icing on the cake..suicidal thoughts. I knew something was up. It was not in me to want to kill myself but after focusing on this in counselling for a couple of sessions now I've realized that my body was screaming at me that it could no longer continue this lifestyle that I've been pushing it to do for so many years. I wanted people's approval of me. I wanted to feel like I was better than others by being able to accomplish more than them. I wanted people to call me and get me involved in everything. So naturally I took on way too many things.

So it's been 3 weeks now since I've started my detox. I've learned lots. Our bodies produce stress chemicals and for most they go up and down depending on what's going on in one's life. However for me my body thrives off of stress chemicals. It needs those to function. In other words I'm addicted to those chemicals that are constantly in my blood stream. So like coming down off of any high I've been having a rough time these past 3 weeks. I've got constant headaches. I never get headaches so this is abnormal for me. Some nights I'm in bed at 9:00 because of the headaches and because I'm exhausted. I'm now trying to take one complete day off a week for rest. This means I don't even bake or do any type of cleaning on that one day. For some of you you may find this silly but for me it's so hard. I'm trying to train myself to enjoy simple things like watching TV, reading, going for a walk, etc. However I often feel bored and the headache comes back because I'm not doing something to produce that lovely chemical.

I'm so looking forward to our vacation coming up because I feel like this will give me the break that I need to cut some ties that I have. No emails or phone that needs to be answered, it's going to be wonderful, but hard. So the next time you may ask me to do something and I say no don't fall of your chair. It's healthy, normal, and okay to set boundaries and say no. It's not okay to not say no because you're afraid of what others may think of you or because you want their approval. It's a heart issue for me and I'm constantly going to have to check this. So if I'm not blogging as often as I should lets hope that it's because I'm laying down on the couch and not because I'm too busy!